Many sex addicts suffer in silence

By COREY TAULE

ctaule@postregister.com

"Jan" binges on Twinkies and pizza, and then forces herself to puke.

"Pete" hides fifths of vodka around the house.

"Martha's" cocaine dealer is on speed dial.

"Tom" goes into debt in order to bet the ponies.

"Scott" masturbates nightly to Internet pornography.

Jan, Pete, Martha and Tom have a few things in common: They're welcome at the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery meetings in eastern Idaho.

And they don't want anything to do with Scott. Sexual deviance remains socially unpalatable, even to drunks, gamblers, drug addicts and binge eaters.

"Those guys were OK," said Steven A. Dahl, director of LDS Family Services in Idaho Falls. "But when you have a sexual addiction, it's like you're the black sheep or something."

Dahl

The stigma of sexual addiction, and the overwhelming number of men asking for help, compelled LDS family services to form a separate pornography addiction recovery group. But even isolating sexual addicts doesn't make it easier for people to admit that they might be one.

Thane and Marjorie Lords, who are serving a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints mission by heading eastern Idaho's pornography addiction recovery group, said newcomers to the weekly meeting all behave the same. They sit with their heads down, keep quiet and bolt for the door once the meeting concludes.

"They're embarrassed, and they don't want to say much," Marjorie Lords said.

Gordon Boyle, a pastor at Calvary Chapel in Idaho Falls, said between five and 10 people show up for its weekly "Men Struggling with Sexual Addiction" support group.

Many more, however, sit across from Boyle's desk in his tiny office and talk about their struggles to stop watching Internet pornography.

Janet Allen, clinical director at Creekside Counseling in Idaho Falls, said it's difficult for many people to admit to themselves that they can't control their sexual urges.

So, to seek help is a nearly impossible task.

The problem, Allen said, is that sexual indiscretions, whatever form they take, are inevitably accompanied by nearly crippling feelings of shame and guilt.

Boyle

And unlike an addiction to booze or drugs, there are few telltale signs. A methamphetamine addict's appearance will change greatly as use escalates. An alcoholic will often be visibly impaired. Someone who can't stop masturbating to Internet porn doesn't develop sores or get arrested for drunken driving.

Often, they suffer silently, Allen said, until the consequences finally catch up.

Some sexual addicts lose jobs, marriages and children. They go deep into debt and once exposed, are seen as pariahs who lack self control.

"Just don't do it. That's what they tell them and it just doesn't work," Thane Lords said.

The Internet has been the great equalizer of sexual addictions.

Because of it, the sexual addict is no longer the seedy guy in a trench coat you wouldn't allow near your kids. Scott is now your boss, the guy sitting next to you in church, your brother, husband or son.

And it's no longer just Scott. Experts say the Internet -- specifically chat rooms -- has made porn palatable to many women, many of whom are becoming addicted.

For Allen, the key to addressing the stigma of sexual addiction is to "stop shaming the subject."

Allen

Sex, she said, should not be portrayed as something to be feared or avoided, but as a celebration of love between two people committed to each other. The more society prohibits healthy sex, Allen said, the more it invites unhealthy sex.

"I think there needs to be a shift in perspective on the subject," Allen said.

Chip Snowden, an Idaho Falls-based mental health counselor who wrote his doctorate on the impact of pornography in eastern Idaho, said people had better find a way to talk openly about sexual addictions.

Just because you can't recognize it, Snowden said, do not assume it doesn't exist.

"It is so submerged," he said. "So submerged."