To: Residents of Mt. Ararat School District
‘ Ref: Noah, visionary and livestock hauler recently returned from an exotic cruise, will be holding his first apré cruise yard sale. Many items will be offered to tickle your nautical or agricultural fancy. All sales final, not guaranteed against mildew.
Included in the sale:
— Approx. 2,400 cages (wire, wicker, horsehair, iron, rope, screen, etc.)
— Lots of salt blocks
— Adjustable nose tongs (fits both water buffalo, hippo and elephant)
— 1.2 million species of insects still frozen in a quart jar (could be used as parakeet feed or turned loose on the world).
— Two cans of Off
— One rhino twitch
— A Mastodon fur coat (soon to be listed as endangered)
— Kangaroo teeth floats
— Set of teeth floats for small rodents
— Dried poultry waste. Including pigeon, pelican, buzzard, banty, canary and condor.
— Two dozen used but still serviceable scoop shovels.
— Hoof nippers (fits any species from emu to gnu)
— 600 partially chewed wooden panels
— Box of assorted pills including wildcat suppositories, camel antacid boli, Dramamine and Bear Butazolidin
— Two hog snares (will double as calving tool and snake catcher)
— Two life jackets for small mammals. Size prairie dog to porcupine
— A collection of specialty feeds; Eucalyptus koala chow, bamboo panda chow, bat mosquito chow, Mosquito bat chow and bag of M & M’s.
— Crocodile balling gun
— Anteater tongue depressors
— Giraffe stomach hose
Small library containing:
— “How to Get Ahead in the New World Even Though Fish Have a Head Start”
— “Practical Uses of Animal Waste from Caulking and Rudder Grease to Fertilizer and Finger Painting”
— “How to Survive 40 Days and 40 Nights Cooped Up with a Man Who Keeps Saying, ‘Pretty Good Ark. ‘Eh, Mother?’”
— “The Illustrated Guide to Sexing Amphibians, Newts and Domestic Fowl”
— “Noah’s Captain’s Log entitled, ‘One More Day Like This and I’ll Never Get The Corn In’”
— “Firewood (gopher) by the cubit